Oh baby, you unravel me.

My darling Azuki,

You’ll find out soon enough that sometimes – ok, more often that not – life will not come out as planned.

Some examples:

Your daddy B and I planned for a normal delivery. We even spent 4 Sundays just to figure out how to breathe (Bradley method)*. What happened? After 24 hours of labor, 2 hours of being fully dilated and with 2 doctors on my belly trying to push you down the canal along with my pushing – I had to opt for an emergency CS operation because (a) I was so tuckered out, and (b) I was so afraid you’ll end up distressed if I forced the issue of a normal birth.

*Silly me, I was so sure that you’d come into this world via normal delivery that I didn’t bother much in learning about caesarian birth! Had I did, I wouldn’t have been so bothered by doctors and nurses popping in my room every hour asking me if I passed gas!

Your dad B made sure these were your first pair of booties.

I planned to exclusively breastfeed you. I’m not quite sure how you’ll take this bit of info, but know that from the get-go, you were an expert at latching/drinking/feeding. How you got your milk was not an issue. With minimal confusion, you were able to successfully latch on me, cup-feed, dropper-feed, and bottle-feed – all in a day!

My darling Azuki, the problem was me, mommy. By your second evening of life, I still didn’t have milk. Following doctor’s advice, I gave you formula first and waited for the milk to come in… And what came in wasn’t enough for your incredible appetite.

I planned to be a super mom, without forgetting to be a fantastic wife and homemaker. Keep you happy and healthy, keep house without hired help and still look fabulous to all those who came over to the house to meet you. Hats off to those who make it look so easy, and God knows how much I tried. I wanted to be and do so many things for you and B especially… when my body (and what you) needed for me to do was rest.

I tried so much to meet my unreasonable standards that by your second week I was suffering from vertigo (I couldn’t even breastfeed you because simply expressing was triggering the dizziness).

What I failed to see was that I couldn’t do it alone – aside from B, and the rest of the family, I didn’t immediately entrust what I was going through to God. I was putting extraordinary pressure on myself, when I didn’t have to carry that burden to begin with.

Oh Azuki, a great deal of my work has to do with planning. So when my own personal plans (especially when it came to you) didn’t turn out as, well, planned, you could only imagine how upset your OC mom was.

But then I hope you know that you coming into our lives is the most welcome and happiest unplanned event in our lives. You are such a blessing, and all these “not according to plan” examples (and more) are simply grace-filled.

As your third month comes up, this is what I want you to know. Your being here does remind me that I need to let go and let God, but your being here also reminds me to praise Him for the miracle that greets me every single day.

Love you, little one.

– P.

To Azuki with love, from Japan

I just love receiving the sweetest things via snail mail. Don’t you? :)

Yesterday, I received an awesome surprise from my friend Marjorie. She’s based in Japan. I met her in the community Weddings at Work (W@W) while we were both preparing our respective weddings, and I think it’s wonderful that we’ve grown to be good friends.

Well, OK… It may not have been a surprise, since Marjorie had to ask B about our new home address, but I had no idea what she’d be sending over!

Inside the tattered envelope was this card. I still have to get used to the idea that Poppy+B now equals three!

The card even came with its own subtitles! Haha! Thanks for the translation, Marjorie :)

The card also came with this yummy outfit for Azuki:

B and I can’t wait for Azuki to grow, so she could start wearing this! Isn’t it adorable?

Yes, I do agree Azuki would discover what a great place this world is :)

Thanks again, Atsushi, Marjorie and Yui! Yui, we do hope we get to meet you in person real soon :) Azuki would very much like to thank you in person. You made her so happy!

Happy mid-week, everyone!

– P.

What I’d like to bottle up

What I’d like to bottle up: Azuki’s smile.

Feel free to blame her for not having this mommy online as much ;-)

Seriously, while I do miss you guys (I really do!), it’s not rocket science to choose be with her over having my online life. You’ll hear from me more often soon though, especially since I’ve signed up for next month’s BYW Boot Camp (woo! finally!).

Hope you’re all well. And if I could bottle up Azuki’s smile, you’d be the first to get one :) I promise you’d cherish it as much as I do.

Stay super!
– P.

Two weeks ago

On August 2, 2012 at 3:26 a.m., a little angel came into our lives.

To you, our dear friends, we proudly present to you our Beanie: Azuki :)

The first photo I took once she roomed in with me at the hospital.

B and I can’t believe you’re finally here, Azuki… I just knew our pet name would suit you, especially when you’d start crying and go beet-red when hungry. ;-)

More to come, folks. ‘Til soon.

– P.

April: What we’ve been up to.

Hi dears!

I’ve missed you. What have you been up to? :)

April’s been a busy month for me… Well, considering that my pregnant self usually spends my days asleep! Haha! Anyway, here’s what I’ve been up to:

Reading up. Now that I’m on my 24th week (!!) of pregnancy, I’ve been trying to catch up on my reading. B bought me the “What to Expect” books as soon as I found out I was infanticipating, and every now and then, I’d pick up the Dr. Seuss-inspired book and read to Beanie.

(I love the preggy books, but B and I have joined a birthing class this month to find out more about what to expect… I know people say that once Beanie comes out, I’ll end up throwing 90% of what I’ve learned out the window, but – trying to know as much as I can now helps me cope with motherhood anxiety.)

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Weekly Photo Challenge: Distorted

I’ve been taking too many things quite literally lately, and not thinking out of the box.

This is one of my favorite pictures that I took one lazy afternoon in Toulouse. I love how one (well OK, at least for me) can’t immediately tell where the sky stops and the water begins. However, for this challenge, I also needed to change the way I looked at my photos, to help me see things in a different light.

So there you have it. Not exactly the most twisted nor distorted of photos; but then again, not the usual way one would see things either.