Oh baby, you unravel me.

My darling Azuki,

You’ll find out soon enough that sometimes – ok, more often that not – life will not come out as planned.

Some examples:

Your daddy B and I planned for a normal delivery. We even spent 4 Sundays just to figure out how to breathe (Bradley method)*. What happened? After 24 hours of labor, 2 hours of being fully dilated and with 2 doctors on my belly trying to push you down the canal along with my pushing – I had to opt for an emergency CS operation because (a) I was so tuckered out, and (b) I was so afraid you’ll end up distressed if I forced the issue of a normal birth.

*Silly me, I was so sure that you’d come into this world via normal delivery that I didn’t bother much in learning about caesarian birth! Had I did, I wouldn’t have been so bothered by doctors and nurses popping in my room every hour asking me if I passed gas!

Your dad B made sure these were your first pair of booties.

I planned to exclusively breastfeed you. I’m not quite sure how you’ll take this bit of info, but know that from the get-go, you were an expert at latching/drinking/feeding. How you got your milk was not an issue. With minimal confusion, you were able to successfully latch on me, cup-feed, dropper-feed, and bottle-feed – all in a day!

My darling Azuki, the problem was me, mommy. By your second evening of life, I still didn’t have milk. Following doctor’s advice, I gave you formula first and waited for the milk to come in… And what came in wasn’t enough for your incredible appetite.

I planned to be a super mom, without forgetting to be a fantastic wife and homemaker. Keep you happy and healthy, keep house without hired help and still look fabulous to all those who came over to the house to meet you. Hats off to those who make it look so easy, and God knows how much I tried. I wanted to be and do so many things for you and B especially… when my body (and what you) needed for me to do was rest.

I tried so much to meet my unreasonable standards that by your second week I was suffering from vertigo (I couldn’t even breastfeed you because simply expressing was triggering the dizziness).

What I failed to see was that I couldn’t do it alone – aside from B, and the rest of the family, I didn’t immediately entrust what I was going through to God. I was putting extraordinary pressure on myself, when I didn’t have to carry that burden to begin with.

Oh Azuki, a great deal of my work has to do with planning. So when my own personal plans (especially when it came to you) didn’t turn out as, well, planned, you could only imagine how upset your OC mom was.

But then I hope you know that you coming into our lives is the most welcome and happiest unplanned event in our lives. You are such a blessing, and all these “not according to plan” examples (and more) are simply grace-filled.

As your third month comes up, this is what I want you to know. Your being here does remind me that I need to let go and let God, but your being here also reminds me to praise Him for the miracle that greets me every single day.

Love you, little one.

– P.

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